I sometimes have a hard time trusting God. Yeah, you read that right. But if I’m being completely transparent it’s true. I think alot of it comes from the fact that I’m a do-er. A fix-er. If something needs to be done, I do it. If something is broken, I fix it. I don’t ask for someone else’s help. I rely on me. Part stubborn, part prideful. That’s just me. I also haven’t been given the easiest life. I’ve spent most of my teenage and adult life believing ‘Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people’ because that is what I have seen and known. Going through this season of struggle and waiting I have had the hardest time trusting and letting go of control. I know that’s what I need to do, but it’s easier said than done. So I find myself gripping onto control over my life because I don’t know any other way. But you know what is so cool about God? He doesn’t give up on me. Not once. He has shown up in my darkest hours when I’ve questioned if He even sees me. He has shown up when I feel like I can’t go on and I’ve questioned if He hears my cries. He has shown up when I’m in the depths of despair and I’ve questioned if He’s even there. And yet I STILL question Him. Way too much. I am so unworthy yet He still loves me. Unconditionally. All the time.
Lord, thank you. For everything. For not giving up on me. For catching every single tear and weeping with me. For loving me when I don’t deserve it. And for showing me you’re never giving up.
You are a healer.
You are a redeemer.
You are a promise keeper.
I pray that I grow closer to you. Everyday.
‘Some of us think holding on is what makes us strong. But sometimes it is letting go’ Hermann Hesse