A Year In Heaven

I’ve started writing this over and over again. So many times. I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel today, and sometimes it’s a bit surreal. The truth is, no one ever plans to endure this. Ever. It always seems to fall under that ‘it happens to them’ category. And then one day some of us become ‘them’ and you are never the same. And you never will be. When a child is born, everyone celebrates. When a child dies, people often pretend that nothing has happened. But for those who have lost a child your entire world is changed, its unimaginable. Your soul is shook to the core. Your strength is tested. Your faith is questioned. Things look different. It’s not the way we planned. Although today is nothing like how I dreamed it would be I’m stepping into it. With a bit of a heavy heart and a whole lot of faith.

I was in a session the other day with my counselor and she asked ‘If Maddox were here what would you do?’

I would show you the love I have for you, so that you may learn to love others and express love to others unconditionally and without abandon.

I would teach you that being honest, being real isn’t always the popular or easiest choice. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable. It isn’t always pretty. It’s sometimes messy. But it’s always the right choice.

I would play music for you. All the music. And dance awkwardly and sing way off key. Because music is the voice of the soul.

I would show you that leading with love can change the world.

I would celebrate you. I would always encourage you in pursuing your dreams, whatever that may be.

I would teach you to see the beauty in everything. It’s always around us.

I would tell you what an amazing Daddy you have, and then witness you learn that for yourself. You’re so, so lucky to have him as an example.

breath

I want you to know that I am so proud to be your Mommy. I would have stood by your side always. Although my heart longs for you to be here physically you are with us. You are in every step, in every breath, in every heartbeat. But you are in presence of God. In the presence of the God that I read about, the God who I put my faith in. But you are with God. You walk with Him. You talk to Him. You have never known suffering, grief, or sorrow. You are in the presence of His holiness.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. How old you would be, how much you have changed. I wonder what your personality would be like. What dreams you would have. The memories we would have made had you not been called to Heaven too soon. I hope you know that I fell in love with you the moment I found out about you, and my love will never end. You are our greatest gift. An angel. I used to count my days as days without you. But now I count my days as one day closer to you. Because you are with us. Always. And that brings a whole new hope.

I pray that I live my life well. That I journey though losing you with love and grace, for myself and for others. I pray I continue to see you in all things beautiful. That my heart continues to heal, and to always be gentle with myself and with others on the days when it’s hurting. I pray that I live without fear. That I allow myself to surrender to God’s will, always. I pray that I strive to become more Christ-like. Every day. So that one day I can come Home to hold you once again. Thank you for making us parents, we love you for eternity. Until we can hold you again…. 💙

Grief is in two parts. The first part is loss. The second is the remaking of life. – Anne Roiphe

P.S. As I’m writing this today I can’t help but think about this…. It’s a beautiful day, the sun is shining so bright. I’m watching Billy Graham’s funeral, enjoying a cup of coffee and I got some good news this morning. I cant help but feel like this is all a big smile from Heaven. And maybe even a sign of prayers being answered.

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