To say today has brought a huge sense of relief is an understatement. Well over a year and a half, 3 miscarriages, and several tests later we finally have answers – and a plan!
Going through recurrent miscarriage is such an emotional roller coaster, something no person should ever have to endure. It’s traumatic, exhausting, painful, devastating. A true test in every way possible. It’s been a journey filled with relentless hope that’s often been met with complete and utter shock and disappointment. Something no one can relate with unless they’ve been through it themselves. It can leave you feeling isolated, excluded, alone, misunderstood. As if you’ve been put in this box labeled ‘others’ that no one wants to receive, look at or even think about. It’s truly the most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced, and I’ve dealt with quite a lot through my years on this earth. But one thing I’ve felt from the start is that there is purpose in all of this. One that I’m still trying to figure out and pray I’m able to realize on this side of Heaven.
Everyone’s journey to pregnancy looks different, but every single one is a miracle. Our journey has been very unique and has stumped our doctors on several occasions. For us it’s never been an issue of actually getting pregnant, in fact our track record is pretty impressive. Our problem has been maintaining a pregnancy. So when we were referred to an Infertility Doctor I was left feeling a bit confused but desperate for answers and a solution. One of the first things our Doctor said to us was ‘Now it’s my job to be a detective and get to the root cause of the issue here.’ Touché, Doc. I, too, feel it is my job to be a detective – only most of the time it’s when an unknown car or person passes through my neighborhood (Unofficial President of the Neighborhood Watch Crew right here) or I’m watching Dateline. But I knew in that moment we were meant to be under his care.
I’ve learned so much throughout all of this – about my body, my genetics, my reproductive system – the list goes on and on. But one of the most important things I’ve learned has been through deepening my relationship with God….To wait.
I don’t like waiting, no one really does. In a society where we’re taught to crave instant gratification, it’s created an overwhelming sense of impatience. We want it all NOW, and in a lot of cases we can achieve that. I’ve always had the ‘get it done’ mentality, which has proven to be successful for me. But what happens when that way of doing things doesn’t work? This isn’t what I’m used to. It’s not in my playbook. I was left feeling so helpless, sometimes feeling like a failure. I was no longer on my timetable and everything was out of my control. It felt like the answer to every single question was to wait. Often times the word ‘wait’ seems to get glossed over so easily. I mean, think about it, we wait in traffic, we wait in line at the store, we wait for lunch hour at work, we wait for a lot of things. Waiting is so intertwined with our every day life that we tend to brush it off like it’s nothing. We forget the heaviness that word can bring or what it really feels like to have no choice but to wait. And when that wait is tied to something you can’t easily change or something you’ve been waiting and praying for so long for that wait becomes unbearable. I became so frustrated, angry, upset. Crying out to God ‘Why??’ I would ask for Him to put an end to all this suffering. But it was in those moments of total desperation that I gave it all up, I gave it all to God. And I heard ‘Give it all – your fears, doubts, worries. I’ve got you and I will carry you through.’ Does that make everything disappear and then life suddenly gets easy? Filled with butterflies and rainbows and unicorns? No, absolutely not. But my soul finds peace and rest in knowing that the Creator of it all can carry all of this for me and with me. I just have to choose to let Him.
Lord, thank you for teaching me what it feels and looks like to wait. Forgive me for the days when waiting hasn’t looked pretty for me, and for the moments when my frustration overcame me. I pray that You continue to provide encouragement during this season, and that through me people can see the power of Your love. I pray I never forget what this feels like, so that when others are faced with a season of waiting I can meet them where they are with empathy and lead them to You. I hope through all of this I grow to be more like You and can be a testimony to Your relentless love and hope. Please help me to lay all of this at Your feet, trusting that You have already written my story. Help me to stand strong in the truth that no matter the storm nothing can change how this ends. You and only You hold the power and the victory. All the glory to you, Lord.