Do you ever have those seasons where things are hard? Where it feels like all the things and then some are not going right? Where life is just beating you down? That’s been me for the past few months. Life + Holidays = HARD. I’m starting to see what people mean when they say ‘The Holidays aren’t happy for everyone.’ I feel it now.
I lost my Grandma 12 years ago around Thanksgiving. She was such a great example of strength, sass, grace and just about as witty as they get. We had such a special relationship that I will always hold dear to my heart. I miss her so…. Then over the past 2 years my Husband and I have endured 4 pregnancy losses. Combine that with all the highs and lows of trying to conceive after multiple losses and it can be a bit overwhelming at times. I’ll admit, sometimes I feel like ‘Is this really me life?’
So when the Holidays come around filled with all the expectancy and pressure of being happy and celebratory and social coupled with the abundance of pregnancy announcements it can be a difficult season to get through. It can feel heavy. It can begin to look a little dark, and feel all consuming.
During moments like this I tend to beat myself up. I’m talking about picking myself apart for anything and everything. Hardcore, Mean Girls style. My self-talk can get a bit ugly at times. And it’s not fun. I began reflecting over the past few months and realized its been filled with so much self-doubt. Feeling like I’m never enough. Like I’m not worthy, I have no value. Completely inadequate. That I’m not deserving of anything. So when we learned this week that we were experiencing our 4th pregnancy loss I was broken. To.The.Core. I cried out to God ‘Why? Am I getting this all wrong? Why do I feel like I’m supposed to grow my family and then all of this is happening? I just don’t understand and this hurts way too much.’ And so I prayed. A whole lot. I swear for a full 24 hours it felt like all I could do was pray. And then I felt it on my heart…….. ‘Do you believe?’
When you allow doubt into your heart it can quickly consume you and pour into all areas of your life, including doubting The Creator himself. When things get hard I try to control everything. Isn’t it easy to say ‘Jesus take the wheel’ when everything’s going good? (Can I get an Amen?) It’s not that I was doubting who He is, but I was trying to do everything on my own and was doubting what He is capable of doing. Minimizing who my God is, and trying to fit Him inside my box of understanding.
Shortly before receiving the call that our pregnancy was no longer viable, I came across a video of Christine Caine (thank you, Instagram). Little did I know at the time just how much I needed to be reminded of this truth.
’There is no promise too hard for God to fulfill.
There is no prayer too big for God to answer.
There is no problem too big for God to solve.
There is no disease God cannot heal.
There is no heart God cannot mend.
There is no relationship God cannot restore.
There is no sin God cannot redeem.
There is no bondage God cannot break.
There is no need God cannot meet.
There is no mountain God cannot move.
There is no enemy God cannot defeat.
There is nothing my God cannot do.’
Now if that’s not calling me to believe in Him then I give up. And I’m not talking about that light, fluffy belief. I’m talking about that whole-hearted, every ounce of your being, hungry type of belief. There’s no room for doubt in that.
So although this season has been tough for me, this has also been a reminder of what my God can do. He is a big God. Capable of doing things I’m incapable of comprehending. And I’m ready to believe, with all that I am, not only in who He is but in His infinite capabilities. Not just sometimes, but all of the time.
Lord thank you. Thank you for allowing me to see and feel and know Your goodness even through seasons of sorrow and doubt. Thank you for relentlessly pursuing my heart, even when I was trying to do it all on my own. Please help me to keep my eyes fixed on You, always. To help soften my heart, even when things are hard. And to always trust and believe, with all of me, in who You are and that You possess infinite, complete, and perfect power. Amen.