I’m sure you read that and thought ‘Huh? Really?’ Yes, stick with me a minute….
Lately I’ve been in this mix of dueling emotions. Feeling the need for connection, for relationship, yet I truly feel so alone, more excluded than I’ve ever felt before. Initially I blamed myself, I looked inward in an attempt to find my faults or put myself down. That’s usually how I roll…. I’ve felt so disconnected and off that I haven’t even been able to write, which has been hard. Writing helps me process things, it helps me feel, it helps me heal, it helps me to connect. It allows me to still see the hope woven through all of the heartache.
When we feel lonely it’s easy for us to think something is wrong with us. That people are choosing to forget about us or to not be inclusive. In fact, that’s exactly what the devil wants you to think. You are not enough. You aren’t worthy. You aren’t meant for relationships. No one cares about you. Sadly, it’s easy for him to win and for you to buy in to the enemies lies.
This season of loneliness, for me, has been brought on by years of enduring hardships. Trauma, grief, 4 pregnancy losses, and years of trying to conceive. And you know what? People don’t like the messy stuff. It makes them uncomfortable. As though somehow, simply by associating with people going through hard stuff, some of our heaviness will be a burden to them. Some days it feels like I have to decide….either be alone and allow myself the permission and freedom to feel my emotions or be around others with a fake smile on my face. Lately it’s felt like a big hot mess and a beautiful masterpiece all blurred into this thing we call life.
One day I was listening to a song by Lauren Daigle and the lyrics hit me hard:
Before I speak a word let me hear Your voice
And in the midst of pain let me feel Your joy
I wanna know You, I wanna find You, in every season, in every moment
Before I speak a word I will bring my heart and seek You
It was in that moment that I saw His Holiness in my loneliness.
Even through this season of loneliness where I’ve felt disconnected from relationships around me and connection to others I’ve never been closer to God. I’ve been able to feel and hear Him more clearly. I’ve come to know His grace and mercy. I’ve experienced His blessings. I’ve witnessed Him work miracles. And I’m beginning to learn and accept that I am a daughter of the King who is loved beyond measure.
Sometimes God pulls us into isolation. Maybe it’s to teach us a lesson. Maybe it’s to protect us. Maybe it’s to humble us. Maybe it’s simply because He wants you closer to Him. Loneliness is inevitable, and it’s easy in those seasons to give in to the lies. Sometimes it’s easy to try to do it alone and forget or even doubt His promises. Turn to Him. Look to the truth. Lean in. Draw near to Him. Seek Him, always. Find His Holiness in your loneliness.